Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Musings on a Somewhat Momentous Occasion



Today, I fed Hazen a bottle with the last of the Breast Milk that I had pumped. While he was in the hospital, I pumped 8 times a day, religiously, probably only missing 5 or 6 pumps total. I was adamant that doing this for my baby was the best thing I could possibly do for him, and I was really intent on nursing him once he was stable enough to have something other than IV fluids, or my milk via a feeding tube.

I didn't get to actually NURSE him until he was about 40-45 days old. I don't remember exactly, but it was somewhere in that range. I remember how NERVOUS I was. It was almost like a first date. I know, it's odd, and a mom should be intuitively ready for something like that, but it was such an awkward/exciting experience. I think it was the 40+ days of build up that made it into a bigger deal than it was. Hazen would only nurse with a Nipple Shield (sorry if this is TMI), but he actually took to it alright.

However, my body had another thing in mind. The countless hours spent pumping, labeling, and freezing my milk was a Catch 22. It was a good thing because it allowed me to keep up my supply, but it was a bad thing, because it had taught my body to only let down for a machine. If I had realized what would happen, I would have continued to only pump, and not even attempt to nurse, because by the time that I realized that as he was growing, my body wouldn't let down ENOUGH for him, the milk had sufficiently decreased that pumping again couldn't even save it.

I was devastated. For a few days, I tried to keep with it, hating myself because I couldn't "do it" right, and being frustrated with Hazen because "didn't he get it? I had tried for so long to do this....FOR HIM!" We would try to feed for 30-45 minutes, and then he would scream about 10 minutes later...because he was STILL HUNGRY. I had such horrible feelings of being a failure as a mother. What could I do for my baby that ANY other person couldn't do as well?

Once I came to term with this, we decided to introduce formula. I had the option of only feeding him the bottled milk, which, at the rate he was going through, wouldn't last as long as I wanted it to. So, I made the hard decision to give him formula, and supplement Breast Milk one day a week.

We estimated that there were between 740-760 of the bottles. This is roughly the equivalent of 2080 ounces of milk.

Oddly enough, giving him that last bottle, the day before he turns 9 months old was a kind of emotional experience for me. It signified so many things. So many hours spent pumping. So many prayers uttered while I did it, praying that one day, the milk I was working so hard for would actually be fed to a baby. A baby that would hopefully come home to us. There were so many tears that were shed while I pumped. Tears of confusion- why was my sweet baby so sick? Tears of anger- What did WE do to deserve this? And tears of joy, as I looked at the pictures of my beautiful baby. Now, the tears that I shed are tears of gratitude. So grateful that while he was fed through A BOTTLE, we have shared so many wonderful bonding moments. Glances filled with love, a milky smile, and a tender snuggle after he's fallen into a milk-induced coma. No, I didn't do it "how I expected" to do it, but I did it. My son loves me, and we have a special bond I challenge anyone to question.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why in the world would ANYONE question that? Are people that lame that they would judge you for not being physically able to nurse him? I'm so confused with and scared for this whole mothering thing.

Ashley Clark said...

2080 ounces of milk?! That ALONE scares me.

Hannah said...

I breastfed my first just fine, but my milk dried up with Carson when he was only 4 months old. It was hard not to feel guilty about it, but what can we do? Carson's last bottle is coming soon and it makes me sad not to hold him while he drinks and stares at me. Babies are so sweet! Yours is especially darling.

Heather said...

I will nurse your baby if he needs it.







NOT!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Remember the time that I was holding your baby and I was a little sleepy and I knew that I needed to feed Max so I lifted my shirt and Hal was all, Wha-Wha-What?! am I supposed to do with that?!)

That was so funny.

Ali said...

You write beautifully. I can only imagine the emotion you are feeling. You're the best Mom for Hazen, ever. You two were meant for eachother.

Kirsten Krason said...

I am freaked out about all the baby stuff. I will ask you lots of questions because you are doing everything right. I admire how much thought and love you are putting into mothering. Keep it up!

Anna said...

Wow Anne, you truly are a wonderful mother. Hazen is blessed to have you as his mother.

Hazen5 said...

Have not left yet, but soon!

Hazen5 said...

I remember when Heidi kept asking if I wanted her to breast feed Madison when I went to the hospital for my appendix! Rob put his foot down. She's a good sister!

I am the queen of pumping...one whole year to the day she was born!

The Five that Jive said...

Wow!! I'm amazed at how good you were at pumping!! We ran out of milk about a month after we got home from the hospital...I can't believe that you were able to last that long...even one day a week...that's awesome! You should be so proud of yourself!!
Lindsey J

Gabriella said...

Anne you really are a great mom, I admire your dedication to the pumping machine. I can't even imagine how many hours you spent with it. Hazen is lucky to have a mom as loving as you are.

paige said...

The pumping machine isn't do bad - probably because I only used it for 6 weeks. Don't feel guilty, Hazen is obviously completely healthy & has a great mama. My mom gave us all formula - back in the 80's! Look at us now! Haha. I am sure formula has come along way in 20 years so I will never feel guilty again because of something that's not in my control. Way to go - it is a major momentous occasion!

diane said...

You are a pumping rock star! I'm very impressed. You are such a good attentive mom!

weeze or Alissa said...

boobs
what's not to love

weeze

Grandma Turtle said...

Not everyone jogs. Not everyone skiis. Not everyone likes the color blue the best. Not everyone nurses by the book. IT'S OKAY!! My kids are bottle babies and no one can tell by looking at them, so, hey! You do your best and that's good enough.

Jessica said...

You just keep blogging about Hazen (and your breasts) as much as you want.

I love reading little posts like this that make me think about something I'd never thought of before. Good for you for that massive pumping effort.

Unknown said...

You did awesome! Pumping is not easy. Who want to get up in the middle of the night to a machine? He's a sweet little guy and blessed to have you as his mama.

Mandi said...

Anne, I can't believe how emotional that must have been for you. I'm so glad you are all home and happy and well=)

Brandi Lyn said...

How beautiful. You have such a way of expressing your emotions that is so sweet and helpful to read. I had a very hard time nursing. That story can be left for another day, but this post was so tender Anne. You and your little boy are so rediculously amazing. :) I can't wait to meet you guys!

(i'll be emailing you back soon, i promise!)

ashli said...

loved this post. i'm sure it felt good to take a look back, and gave hope for the future.
he really is adorable and lucky to have such a loving mom. i loved seeing him at BP.

Er Bear said...

Wow! that was precious! I literally have tears in my eyes!! He is such a handsome little guy! love your guts!!

heidiram said...

I'm waiting. For pictures. And updates. Dad told me you did take pictures this weekend. Please update. If you have stat counter, you will notice I have been here about once every hour for the last 48 hours. Please update. With love, kisses, and lots of thanks.

D and J Larson said...

wow you get a lot of post! It's not easy what you've done for your little boy. It takes a strong and dedicated woman to do all that pumping. Congrats for going that long. Formula isn't all bad there are a lot of kids who get that from the moment they are born and turn out just fine. What you've done is a great gift for him and he probably won't thank you for it in the future but you'll know you did the best you could...

Nortorious said...

I concur, breastfeeding was the hardest part of having a baby. You have to have a lot of support, if not for Paige, my baby would never have learned. I loved my shield.
Don't tell Celia this, because she really WILL nurse other people's babies. My husband is scared for life because she pretended (?) to nurse Mimi.

Dave said...

Wow, that was some fantastic writing. So frank and honest.

Lucky kid.

Unknown said...

What a sweet baby. What a good mom!

Unknown said...

I heard you can sell in on the internet to men with weird fetishes. I looked into it, but I only had pumped about 200. You are awesome!

(I know it's best for the baby, I was just wondering...)