Wit's end.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you just don't think you can hack it anymore? I'm there. I've been there since yesterday, and I don't know when I'm going to get away from there. This is too hard. There, I've said it. It's too hard, and I don't know how I'm supposed to do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry to have blog diarrhea, but I just can't take the time to write down my feelings, and I have to get them out somehow, so blogspot, you're it. The doctors don't know what's wrong with Hazen. They can't quite figure him out. Just when they think that they've got it nailed down on what his problems are, he develops something bigger, or worse, or more worrisome. I think that's one of the hardest things. The doctors can't even tell me what's wrong with him. Do you know how frustrating it gets when every sentence that comes from a doctor begins with, "We're really concerned", or, "He just isn't getting better"?

I'm so frustrated. I'm angry, scared and pissed, but I don't know who to be mad at. I want to be mad at myself, but that doesn't make it feel any better. I'm not mad at my sweet baby, but I'm so frustrated. WHY can't he get better? It's been 19 days now, with probably more digression than progress. I'm frustrated at the doctors, because they're supposed to have all of the answers, but I know that they're doing the best they can, so I'm not really mad at them. I want to hold and to love my little boy, but each time I do it makes me love him more, which is too hard. I feel like such a failure as a mother, because in the back of my mind I'm preparing myself for him not to make it. Mom's don't do that. Mom's have more faith than anyone, but I'm out. This is by far the worst thing that has even happened in my life, and it just seems like it's topped on so many other things that we've got going on. Jason is bending over backwards trying to be successful at the fire academy, and work, making time for Hazen, and trying to be supportive to me, but it's just too much. I feel so horrible, because he's already so over-extended, and I don't want to be any more of a drain on him than life already is.

I want words of hope from the Doctors, but even they can't offer that. It seems like they just don't know anymore if there's hope to give. I sound like such a Debbie Downer, but in all reality, I DON'T know if my baby will be ok. I DON'T know when he will come home, and all I can do is pray that he does. I just want a phone call saying that he's turned the corner, or at least that for once they know WHAT is wrong with him, and that they have a steady course of action. I just don't know how to do another day of this.

I will say that I DO thank my blog readers for READING instead of calling every 10 minutes for updates. It's just too hard to break everything down for all of our family members and friends. You can never imagine how emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining this is. If I seem grumpy, unfriendly, or negative, I'm not, I'm just trying to get through another day. Tick tock. Please be understanding, hopefully I'll be back to myself someday. Just be patient, and don't ask to hold my baby. The end. Love you all.