My little man

So, I'd like to post a picture, but for some reason, Utah Valley won't let me. No, hospital, a nakey picture of my baby boy does NOT qualify as porn, but oh well!!

An update you ask? Sure. Sorry that I didn't really update you too much yesterday. It truly was the LONGEST day of my life, most of which was spent in a drug-induced haze, however, I just had 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and man, I feel good!

Hazen Alma Lee was born yesterday at 7:02 am. They wheeled me in at 6:45 for an emergency C-Section, and 15 minutes later, boom! He was out. All things considered, the birth went very well. I was really really really nervous about the epidural, but that wasn't only "mildly uncomfortable", and really didn't hurt at all. The C Section itself didn't hurt, I only felt pressure as they were digging around in there, and the anthesthesiologist.....I'm not sure if I spelled that right....was fabulous. He was RIGHT there, and I think could feed into my apprehension very well, and would medicate me (which was PRECISELY what I wanted), and my nerves grew. When they wheeled me into the room, I was shaking SO uncontrollably, which was probably my least favorite part of the entire ordeal. Honestly, I went in and out of consciousness the entire hour plus I was on the operating table, but I could maintain conversation with Jason just fine. It was weird. I'd be totally KNOCKED out, but then I'd say something that totally made sense to him the next minute. Highlight of the experience? When Jason came over holding our baby and brought him down so I could look over and see him. Jason was crying, but was so strong holding our little boy in his big hands. Very tender. I love my husband more than I can express.

They sewed me up, and I spent a good part of yesterday drifting in and out of sleep, but I finally got to see my boy at about 2 pm. Weird, I birthed him at 7 am, but didn't see him for 7 hours after. However, Jason and my mom went over regularly to check on him, so I know he was in good hands. The NICU here is really good. They put him on a ventilator to help him breath, and weaned him from it pretty quickly in the afternoon, but by nighttime they had to crank it back up. His lungs were still very underdeveloped, but all of the doctors don't seem to be overly concerned, as if it's something they deal with very frequently. I'm looking forward to going up there in a few hours to talk with the Drs now that I'm not so much in my cloud, and I might actually UNDERSTAND some of the stuff they're telling me.

When I went up to see him last night, I couldn't help but cry. He is so beautiful, but at the same time I feel SOOO guilty. It isn't fair that he be hooked up to all of those machines. There's a breathing machine that makes him shake really really fast as it's doing the breathing for him, and it's just not fair. I know it's silly to feel guilty, but in all honesty, I wish I could have baked him for a little bit longer. I guess my headache was one that worried the Drs sufficiently to take the baby because of it's effects on me, but I wish that I could have just "dealt" with it longer. I did try to lie a little to say it wasn't as bad as it was, which bought me a few hours, but I'm just so frustrated that my little fib couldn't buy me a few DAYS!

It's so weird that I'm a mom. I haven't even held my baby yet. I had gas yesterday, which felt a lot like him kicking, and I had to remind myself, HOLD UP...not baby, just farts! (Which, incidentally, meant that I got to eat real food, so I've never been SO excited for flattulence in my entire life!) I'll let you know what I find out today with HAL. He is so cute. He was 3 lbs 14 oz, 17 inches, and has the biggest feet I've ever seen on a newborn. He got his Daddy's lips (YESSSSSSS!!!!), and kind of has this mystery black-person hair, which cracks Jason and I up. We can't quite figure the hair out, but I'm sure it will make a little more sense to us today. I'm working REALLY hard to pump every three hours to give him the one thing I feel that I can do to help heal him. I got like, three drops last night, which they're going to feed him from a syringe, and finally I felt like I was doing something. Then, go figure, nothing in the past three pumps, which is slightly frustrating for me, because you know me. I'm a fixer. I want to fix my baby.

Heather said that having a Premie was hard. I have a feeling I had NO idea. However, with that said, we are so blessed. He could have had SO many more problems. He could have been so much sicker, smaller, underdeveloped. The Lord really blessed us, and I KNOW that he'll be ok. It's just patience, which as many of you know, is my cardinal flaw- I have none. I'll do what it takes to get my boy healthy and home. While I wasn't READY to be a mom two months early, I can do it, and I know he can pull through too. Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and love. It really really means a lot! I'll post a picture as soon as the network will let me----