I'll admit. I've been in the honeymoon period. Baby is born. YAY. Baby gets put in NICU. BOO. Baby gets steadily better every day. YAY.
Then today, I was oh not so gently reminded: I have a baby that is very sick. He is not ok, because if he WERE ok, he'd be coming home with me in 6 hours. I have a baby who is connected to more wires and machines in his 3 short days of life than most people EVER experience.
This is going to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's hard. It is not fun, and I would not wish upon anyone to have to see their baby hurt. I know I'm strong, and I can handle it, but he shouldn't have to. Not my little dreamboat. I'm madly in love with this new little boy, and I haven't even held him yet!
I'm excited for him to be done being under the Bili lights for his Jaundice so they can take off his thug hat, and I can see his beautiful face again. For the past two days, I've been having to make due with just his little lips. He sleeps like me. Mouth open, tongue ALMOST hanging out. Atta boy. They had to put him in a medically induced coma today, so he's essentially paralized for a little while. His left lung was worse than they thought it was, so they had to collapse it and see if doing that would stop the air pockets that they've been seeing. I'm anxious to see what the test results are, and if doing so has improved his situation like they hoped- but I guess I can wait until morning to go up there. His blood pressure isn't staying up without the Dopamine, so they had to put him back on it, thus stopping feeding him my milk. A bummer, because I feel like being able to give him food is the only thing I can really DO for him, so hopefully they'll be able to continue to wean the Dopamine and his BP will stay stable. They're also trying to wean him from the ventilator. That truly is a SLLLOOOOOWWW process, but that's the one thing that they've been able to slowly put surely see some improvement on. The cardiologist will get here on Monday to run another Heart Echo to see how his murmur is doing. They can't address that too much until he's completely off of the vent, so hopefully tomorrow will see some big strides. Or little ones. I'll take whatever I can get.
Pray for my boy. He's so beautiful and perfect and lovely- he shouldn't be dealing with this. I've been so stable, so together, but today, all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I know our Heavenly Father is watching over us, but it is so trying of one's faith to see something so innocent and perfect suffer. So, here's to having a good day tomorrow. Here's to letting my sweet baby know that his mama loves him more than anything. And here's to SOME sort of stabilization of hormones!!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks......
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10 comments:
Anne, you are going through a very lot right now... I have to say something though here. You REALLY need to demand that you hold him. Machines can only go so far, but the power of touch is absolutely mind-blowing. It heals, soothes, and helps bond. Before they discharge you, I hope that you can convince whomever you need to let you sit in a rocker in a shaded room, and just hold your son. I know it is scary with his lung and with the wires and everything, trust me, I know how hard it was to see my 2-pound cousin with so many things sticking out of her, taped on her, and all over the place.
Im glad he sleeps like you... gives you two something to talk about as he grows up. You can always use it to get him to lighten up later as a teen (Oh yeah? Well you don't like my cooking today? Well, you still sleep like ME! Hahahahha!)
Anyways, please talk to whichever person seems the most empathetic, and they should let you hold him, if at least only for a little while. But you will see him stabilize almost instantly after kangaroo-snuggling. This will probably be the single most difficult thing you do in your life. You can make it though... you will be so strong for him, and that should inspire you daily. I have you in my prayers hun.
I am in tears Anne. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. He is strong like you and your husband. He is so lucky to have parents that love him as much as you do. Your love for him is so evident. I am learning a lot by your example.
Both the Drs, the Nurses and I know that holding him skin to skin is ideal for Hazen, however, due to the type of ventilator that he's on, he's still too unstable. I can touch him, and when I'm there, nearly every part of skin is being touched by both Jason and I, but we're not quite to the point where we can hold him. Hopefully in the next few days though. When I visit him, I talk to him about how excited I am to hold him, so we're both working so that we can get there. I know these postings might seem really TMI, but I dont' have a journal, and I can't complain about people "not knowing how I feel" if I don't tell them. Sleeptime.
Well silly, that's why you have a blog. It is a journal.... except your friends get to read it! If you have a minute, can you send me your address? I have gotten something off your registry, but also something that wasn't on there and want to send it over to you.
I'm glad you guys are able to touch him, I think I misunderstood you in the first place. I thought weren't able to! This is going to be incredibly hard, but try to take advantage of what's being given to you. You still really need to heal from the incision, and so take the chance when you are at home to rest and get yourself healthy. That way when he does come home, you will have more energy and feel better in regards to being healed!
My email (if you can send your mailing addy) is healthysarah@yahoo.com. Have a fantastic day Anne! And keep writing, you aren't burdening your friends one little bit. I don't think I am alone when I say that I look forward to seeing what's going on with you and shortstack!
Anne, you made me cry again. You are amazing and so strong. You are in my prayers, and so is little Hazen. I love you.
I definately look forward to your new blog entries everyday. :) I want to hear the update & I am sure it is nice for you to be able to blog instead of calling all 50 million of your friends. :) you are in all of our thoughts & prayers for sure. Post as much as you like, I love to hear how strong you are & all your thoughts & feelings (atleast the ones you are willing to share!) He is so beautiful & oneday he will be running around & driving you crazy but you'll love every minute of it. :)
I don't know you, but I saw your comment on CJane's blog (this blogland thing is so intertwined!) and noticed your preemie comment. I am a mom of a preemie and even though there is not much I can say, I just wanted to say I know what you're going through! I understand the roller coaster and how hard it is when people ask "how's he doing" and you say "he's good......at least this minute or this hour he is" because it can change so quickly. My daughter is now 5, but she was 26 weeker and stayed in the NICU 11 weeks (we were at the U of U). I, too, didn't see her for several hours after she was born and didn't hold her for three days. Take one day at a time!
(Also, my sis in law works in the NICU, I think at the hospital you are at. Her name is Maren. Happen to know her?)
Just wanted to say hang in there!
:-) Jamie
I fasted for Hazen today, I hope he's doing better soon and that you get to hold him before long! I hope you get some amazing pictures when Kelli comes, and I can't wait to see you!
You poor baby. You are just a kid yourself. I'm glad you have your family around to help you. I once had a baby in the NICU and it was the hardest thing that I ever dealt with. She's ten now, and she loves the stories from when she was a baby. Good for you for taking lots of pictures.
I love you, Anne!!
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