Time to Write

I've found that my blog goes from being a "Travelogue" to "Real-Life Journal" in spurts. For the majority of this year, I've told of our happenings, but not much of what goes on in my soul. Feel free to skip this. In fact, I'd prefer you did, as this is my journal, and why are you reading it, nosy?

I hate how so often when I journal things, it comes across as a giant bunch of complaining. I guess a large part of it is that it's more difficult to capture your innermost feelings in pictures, and when I'm feeling filled with joy, it's easy just to turn my camera to the source of happiness. I am richly blessed. I've been thinking so much lately about how people around me are in utter turmoil because of the current state of the economy. While I worry that I might just be completely naive, I feel that we've been pretty much unscathed by what's going on around us. I'm grateful that Jason has a good job with incredible benefits that allow me to breathe easy should something happen to any of us. I'm so grateful that we're both working so hard in school to obtain more training to better our lives.

At the same time, my eyes are on the brim of tears a lot recently. I feel overwhelmed, stretched, exhausted, and at the core of all that, today, I'm not so sure if I like the person I am. I'm not trying to be in the doldrums about things, but, as I know we all have, I've hurt someone in my life recently, and looking in the mirror to get passed that is hard. I'm not trying to be cryptic to encourage the asking of details; in fact, regardless of who you are, I won't tell them. This is an entry for myself- for my children to remember that, yeah, "Mom had some rough days, too". It's so overwhelming at times- this feeling of responsibility I have. I don't feel like I can ever REALLY measure up; and while, the majority of emotions I have as I go throughout my day are positive, there's this ever-present feeling of dread. I've either let someone down, hurt someone more than I can ever imagine, not done everything I can to be the best mother, friend, wife, self...the list goes on and on.

I am so lucky. I'm surrounded by people in my life who have endlessly put up with my crap for the past 24 years. I doubt that I'm as patient with those around me. Don't you hate it when doing the best you know how ends up screwing others in the process? I know that this is so disjointed, but I just needed to write. I lay awake at night, my body so weary of the day's activities, but my head races. I think of things I should have said to someone, things I SHOULDN'T have said, choices I've made or choices I just don't know how to make.

I'm happy. Don't think that I'm going to go jump off a building, but today, while I look smiley on the outside, my hurt hurts a little. I'm tired, and I'm hopeful that at the end of the day, those who I've encountered will be able to reflect upon my influence in their lives, and think fondly of me.