'Round here

I'm not going to make this a sugar-coated travelogue.

Round here, we're really tired. Some days (like today) we don't get out of our PJs, because it's too exhausting to lift our arms to change our clothes. Don't get me wrong. I am so happy I'm in school. It is the best thing that I've ever done. I feel ALIVE again, and I'm remembering the person that I used to be.

With that said, I'm tired. The drama that associates itself with having two full time students live under the same roof is out in full force. Some nights (namely, every Sunday), I have heart palpitations, and it's hard for me to breathe because of the pressure that I've put on myself to do well. I sleep around 3 hours a night, and I cry at least 5 times a week. Sometimes because I'm sad because of things in life, other times because I just need to get it OUT so that I can move on and be productive. Some days I worry worry worry about Hazen being with babysitters. But, when I see his smiling face at the end of the day, and see how secure and loving our attachment is, I remember that I don't need to worry, and that I'm doing the RIGHT THING.

There are good things, too, though. I've made some WONDERFUL friends. Some of the most incredible, caring people I've ever known, and I get to spend LOTS of time with them! There are a few in particular who recognize that as a mother, my flexibility to come to them for study groups is slightly limited, and they come to me. They listen to me, they facebook with me at 3 am, and we can joke together. After just a little over a month, they greet me with a hug, and make me feel so happy to be in school. My lack of sleep is paying off, as I'm seeing a direct correlation between studying so hard and the grades I'm getting. I've never worked so hard for anything in my entire life, and it feels GOOD. Sometimes, when I want to go to sleep, I imagine my first baby in the NICU. I imagine being able to care for that baby with confidence, and I press on a little longer. Someone did it so they could save Hazen, and I'm going to do it for many others. Going to school has unlocked so many dreams and possibilities for me, and it's exhilerating!

Is this a hard time for me? You betcha. Is it worth it?

Without a doubt.