Me: Raw

There's a new influx of posting about RAW feelings,the and how blogging tends to be so bright and shiney, so let's break away from that. So, tonight is my night I suppose.

I had a really well-written post composed, but the "site-administrator" took it upon herself to delete it, so I guess this now becomes public.

For the past 2 years or so, I've been a member of a "secret, exclusive" blog. Once upon a time, essentially everyone who wanted "in" was granted such a wish, and a few posts were written. After a period of time "cuts" were made, and I got it! I was excited, and embraced the chance to share humorous, snarky commentary with women I considered my friends via blogland. As the calendar progressed, I noticed, my sisters noticed, and my husband, who didn't like the drama that tended to come from "Blogging Confidential" noticed, that the content of the blog began to be less of the uplifting, funny type, and more deep, dark, personal issues that different individuals had. I am guilty myself of sharing personal problems that were more appropriate to be kept inside the walls of my own home.

This is where the lesson I've learned comes in.

We were all grown women. We were all members of the Church, and we were all women who spent countless hours on our own personal blogs counting our blessings, and proclaiming the lessons learned in church the previous Sunday. And, it seems, we were all hypocrites. We've been warned the dangers of gossip, back-biting, and cattiness. I'm guilty, too! I've fallen victim to the trend of sarcasm, and the tendency to feel joy in being a part of something "exclusive".

Tonight, I learned, however, how it feels to be on the other side of the fence. Every single one of these women, with exception of my sisters, are members of a new "exclusive(er?) blog. A blog designed in secret, a blog meant to be hidden from us, and a blog where people can finally freely say hurtful things about me without my actually seeing them. I have not felt this way for YEARS, and I must say, I'm ashamed to think that I've ever made people feel this way.

We were all grown women. Women who are mothers, sisters, aunts, and role-models to sweet girls younger than ourselves. We were all women who would openly discourage this type of behavior to others, yet women who found sanctity in slander. This is behavior that one might expect from a group of high schoolers. This is behavior that I unfortunately dispensed to others while in High School. That Karma, huh?

There is a golden lining though, my friends. While the new blog is dedicated to "Just me and my Sistah's", I learned that there's not an amount of money that can be placed on the worth of my REAL sisters. The one who called me to let me know about this new blog. The one who had been invited to the blog, but stated she would have them take her off the blogroll as opposed to be associated with that type of behavior, and especially, oh ESPECIALLY the sister who cried with me as she saw how badly I had been hurt.

While this isn't as eloquent as the previous post I had written, I want to remember how I feel tonight, and recommit myself to doing a little bit better. And that, is raw.